#iwannatouchhim

s I’m writing this I’m lying on the gay beach of Barcelona surrounded by naked, mainly male bodies, noticing how self-conscious I am in “what can I do and where I’d rather not look, because it might get uncomfortable or the person thinks I want more…”. It’s unbelievable, I’m extremely interested in the bodies, also the people who are in them and I’d love to talk to them or even touch them… but there are so many inhibitions to overcome… and that’s me, who thinks she’s so free…

…and yet I feel I’m in good hands here. So much respect for the others. And at the same time openness to do what we secretly think and would like to do anyway… that’s how a young man next to me creams his naked partner: everywhere. He caresses him tenderly on his genitals and whispers loving things into his ear. To the left of me, two older men are greeting each other with kisses left and right and again left and right on the cheek. I hear a German couple behind me talking about what they could cook tonight – and I am touched. So much love and tenderness but also tension around me, that I myself am completely loaded and so much looking forward to the fact that also tonight I still get a visit…

So many beautiful men because they are so attentive to themselves and their fellow men. Is that beauty?

A couple kisses in the sea. I want to look, enjoy it. I look away from embarrassment. Why? These are my thoughts: Instead of love for robots, it couldn’t be more likely that we would go along and kiss? That I stroke the cashier’s hand briefly and tell her how beautiful she is or that I cuddle up to my neighbour during the train ride? Is this subjective or does it have something to do with education in our society? What must change without shifting to the opposite, to a horny, sex-driven society that oppresses everyone? ..is this thing about love and sex and sex and love… 

…but actually I wanted to give the following book tip: #iwannatouchhim OJ&Er (the limited edition is already sold out, but you can download the book here, more information: https://ichwillihnberuehren.de)

On the one hand it reflects all this brain fuck that you are powerlessly exposed to when you are in love and you are not sure if the other person also has feelings for you. Interpretations take up the whole space between the person and oneself, in the end one is so insecure that one no longer knows how to behave and where to look best. To give lost between signs and pretend that nothing is because courage has left you… who doesn’t know that? 

In this story there are two more things that make the whole thing even more complicated: the person OJ is in love with Er, his best friend. And what’s probably challenging is that it’s about two men who don’t know if the other is also interested into men…

I hope you can’t hear my heart beating right now. That would betray me.

(Quote from the book)

Have you ever been in love with a close friend and were afraid to risk your friendship? I’ve often wondered if you’d hate me if you could read my mind…because then you’d know how sexy I find your breasts and how eerily I’d like to kiss your lips. How it tickles every time I hold you in my arms and then it occurs to me that I am not allowed to think that because I am your girlfriend? Hmm, that is confusing. When should love become a relationship?

Wouldn’t it be nicer if everyone could just say what they think? Especially without having to be afraid of being considered disgusting or of being insulted.

(Quote from the book)

I read the book ion two days… I liked the simple writing style in this book, as honest and direct as we have all experienced it somehow or are still experiencing it in love relationships. Everything embarrassing included, the moments in which we just want to sink into the ground and at the same time the feeling that everything revolves around this one person… of course, that also has something to do with age. This is a very special time…

My last question to you: Do you feel free (enough) to love whom you want? I would be very happy if someone would finally dare to write a comment.